Everyday is a new start

This blog seems to be more of a chronicle of my defeats than my victories. Sad, but true. For about 8 months, Walt & I were paleo pros... then came the night shift and holidays.  Now, after two weeks of vacation, it is time to get back to real life. We're doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox starting NOW (well 14 hours ago). Before these past few weeks I wouldn't have been too worried.  How bad could those carb cravings really be?  After 2 weeks of indulgence, however, I expect my body to revolt.  This might not be a bad thing, however.  As I've so frequently demonstrated, I'm quite a pushover when it comes to saying no to food, especially at night, especially from co-workers.  This time I'm on a mission. This isn't some minor dietary change that I can be wishy-washy with.  This is a fight.  I am going to do this. I will not allow anyone to derail me now.  Not even myself. Ready, go!

Apologies- a first draft

Maybe I need to say something like this:

I know that you're upset with me, and I know at least one thing I did to make you feel that way.  I'm sorry that I made you feel like I was taking advantage of you.  I promise you that I never meant to use you or treat you unfairly and I acknowledge my part in that. I'm sorry. I also feel like there may have been previous things I did (that I don't know about yet, that I didn't realize offended you) that I need to apologize for. So, I'm sorry for them too. I don't want there to be anything between us. I'd like to start over and try again. What can I do to make this right?

Advent

December 6 — 1 John 4:7-21
While  dwelling  upon  God’s  great  love  for  you,  what
facets of the Gospel has He used to most ignite worship
in  your  heart?  Secondly,  how  are  you  reflecting  His
kind of sacrificial love at work, school, or in your home?

What first stood out to me in this passage was in verses 16-18: And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

It is God's love his giving, sacrificial, atoning, preemptive love that gives us confidence on the day of judgement and leaves us with nothing to fear. It is the base that stabilizes our future.  We can act in confidence today because of our security in tomorrow.  In this world we are like Jesus. How exciting is that? This passage reminds me... it encourages boldness in me.  LOVE THOSE AROUND YOU. Actively. At work I believe that I often act out of the love God has supernaturally placed within me.  God gives me patience with all sorts of impossible people.  I can only give him credit.  However, I know that I should move beyond mere patience and kindness.  There are opportunities for greater love and I need to step into them boldly. 

Work, in the patient's room, is the easiest place to apply this.  Not only is it the easiest place to see the implications it's the easiest place to enact them.  But once I step out into the hall or back into my house the situation gets more tricky.  I feel like I have to focus more on the sacrificial and preemptive aspects of God's love outside the patient's room. And yet, in this world we are like Jesus. That still blows me away. God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. It seems to me I need to surrender to him and allow that work in my life when I slip back into "loving" within my own power.... which happens a whole lot in my day to day life... and not very successfully.

Praise God that he chose to love us first! That he created the basis for our security and boldness. That his love in us makes us like him in this world. That we are able to exhibit it even tho' in and of ourselves we're pretty rotten, selfish, and insecure. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

Christmas-time is here again

Welcome to Advent.  I have not been very good at focusing on Advent this season despite rudimentary effort to make my life "cheery & bright." My house and life are a mess and adding anything to my day is typically a thought as I fall asleep to try for tomorrow.

That said, advent is important. God took on human flesh... and we're not talking beautiful rippling muscles and shiny white teeth. God came as a helpless baby and subjected himself to our diseases, discomforts, aging, and limitations. He limited and lessened himself with the end goal of sacrifice for me. The only immortal one became mortal, tired, and gave himself up willingly for me.  We waited and waited.  Our only hope seemed ridiculous.  Why would anyone do this? But our hope came.  We need to remember.  We need to celebrate.

Step one will be to go through Fellowship's Advent Devotional. I'll keep you posted on steps to come.

PR

You can't PR every day. I know it.  It just feels like lately all my days have been worse than days before. My motivation to continue eating clean has been performance rather than weight loss.  Sure, weight loss was the initial motivator but I can't sustain a diet based on wanting to look good.  I get sick of the restrictions and decide that I look good enough to give up (never mind that going back to the old way of eating means going back to the old way of looking). But paleo stuck because I had to eat that way to make my way through my workouts. This is the way to eat if I want to be active and have fun and see results (strength and body composition).

Lately there have been no results.  At least that's how I feel. My sleep is jacked up. I have no energy to work out. When I make it to the WOD it just doesn't seem that exciting and I don't feel like I do that great. All in all my motivation to workout: through the tubes; and my motivation to eat right: in the crapper. It's a big and vicious cycle. My body hasn't started changing back yet but that's the next step... if I don't put an end to this.

I guess I've got a short term plan. I bought Primal Pacs and they are going to be what I eat when I really just want crap. Quick easy and clean food. It's a stop-gap until my body doesn't beg for the carbs I've been feeding it. I have to not cheat for 3 weeks (I may have to order more Primal Pacs).

Also, I think Walt & I are going to 'switch' boxes. He's using Faction to stretch (he's got the current membership) and I want to use their programming. Hopefully I can get the excitement back and start to see improvement again. It may be more disappointment at the beginning, however, if I really have regressed. I have to prepare myself for it.  Even if I'm not worse I am worse off... my lack of sleep has got to be a factor.

That leads me to my final point.  This one isn't so short term.  I guess I have to start looking for a day-shift/12 hour shift job. If they can't give it to me on 4E (12 hours... not days) I'll have to consider it. As much as I hate that, my health is worth it and I'm going to have to start thinking in that direction. 

Bedtime for the Bonzette

What is your bedtime routine, dear non-existent reader?
On days when I have to work it goes something like this: Let the dog out and boil some water for tea, drop my scrubs directly into the washer and change into my pj's, let the dog in and give him his breakfast. I pour my tea and take my vitamins, clean myself up. Then I take my Magnesium Serene "tea" into bed with me, snuggle up next to the hubby and talk about the day, ask him how he slept. Once I'm done sipping my tea I'll go to sleep and he'll get up for the day. That's how bedtime goes 5 days a week.
On my weekends (whatever days those may be), I try to ease into sleep just a little bit more gradually (Seriously, it may sound eased but it's 30 minutes from blue alerts, RRTs, and psych patients leaving AMA to snuggling in with my sweetie). On weekends I turn off the lights and tv one hour before bedtime.  I shut off all the blue lights and replace them with candles. I get ready for bed while getting the dog ready for the day. Then I take my tea, cozy up with my nook, and read by candle light until I'm good and tired. Finally, I snuggle in with my honey, ask him how he slept, and drift off to sleep myself.
Speaking of... it's time to shut this computer and open up my nook.